The Hardest Year of my Life

2024 was the year that tested every part of me - spiritual, emotional and physical. A year filled with profound grief and unexpected joy. Losing my Dad broke my heart in ways I never knew possible. At the same time, I experienced the profound joy (and sheer exhaustion) of bringing my first child into the world. I look back on the year with so many intense feelings - some of which I still can’t make sense of or explain. What I do know is that 2024 forever changed how I see life, death, and everything in between.

Navigating grief and postpartum simultaneously was a whirlwind. Everything hit me in waves. Some days the tide would gently touch my feet; other days - I was drowning. Postpartum comes with its own set of challenges—hormonal shifts, sleepless nights, and the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a newborn. But grief is ever-present, a quiet shadow that lingers even in moments that should be full of light. There were days when I was overjoyed to hold my baby, but I also found myself mourning the fact that my father would never meet his grandchild. He'd never see me as a Mom. I never knew it at the time, but I so desperately needed that. 

Before becoming pregnant, I prided myself on being self-sufficient, strong, and capable. I was proud of the woman I’d become, and my ability to handle life. The physical exhaustion after having a baby is one thing, but the emotional fatigue?.....That caught me off guard—the helplessness that seeps in during sleepless nights and moments when I feel like I’m not enough. Postpartum has a way of revealing vulnerabilities you never even knew existed. And though everyone talks about the beauty of motherhood, not enough is said about how it can strip you of the very confidence you once clung to.

The truth is... we are never the same once we lose someone so close to us, just like we're never the same after creating new life. I'm not the same person I was 9 months ago when my Dad died and I'm even more different than who I was before my daughter. Yet each day I catch myself passing on little pieces of my Daddy to my baby - his humility, sense of humor, and the way he made everyone feel heard. I keep his memory alive by making sure his legacy becomes part of my child's foundation. 

As hard as this year has been, I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm handling things better than I thought I could, and through it all my daughter has been the brightest light in my life. She reminds me each day that even in the hardest moments, there's so much love to hold onto. Through the grief and joy, I'm learning to hold space for both — the ache of what I've lost and the beauty of what I've gained. It's not easy but it's real. 

“And life went on. It was not the same, but it went on.” -David Jones

In honor of my father,

Kenneth Ray Stowe

6.15.1966 – 3.6.2024